I am RIGHT/ I am {right}/ lets talk

We are either in something, just coming out of something or going into something. We are always going through it but we’re never going under.

I am blessed to have spent time in the last day or two with someone who really understands me, she knows where I have come from and she believes in me.

At the same time I have spent time with someone who really does not get me. She has a few issues with me and I try to be on the side of reconciliation with her all the time.

Why do we have conflict?

Because people are involved. People become stubborn. Someone asked me this week was I still intransigent but they then corrected themselves and said in transit.

I wonder

Sometimes when we make a mistake like that, it really isn’t a mistake.

So I took stock of each area of my life, just to see if I could see a bit of me “Digging my heels in”

And that just made me laugh out loud, in fact there was some PMSL as well.

A year ago I was refusing point blank to believe in myself enough to listen accurately to the Lord as to how He wanted to use me. It was more a “Who, me, you have gotta be joking? You know who I am, what I have done, what I have just done, you don’t want me, seriously you DO NOT WANT ME.”

And now, I say yes, I am not always sure of what is going to happen when I say yes. A bit like Abraham when he was told to leave Ur, he didn’t know what was going to happen next but he packed up his tent and went where the Lord told him. Or like Philip in the bible study yesterday – hey Philip go and stand in the mid day sun in the middle of nowhere and I am not telling you why.

Suzie, learn to preach, learn to teach, learn to lead bible studies and worship, learn how to take Sunday school, learn how to do youth club, learn how to share the message with all age groups, meet with people in need, fellowship with people of all ages, grow in your faith, build up people, step up when needed, step sideways when needed, step back when needed oh and I will throw in a few more balls to juggle every now and then.

And I said


Philips Translation of NT: 6:3-10 – As far as we are concerned we do not wish to stand in anyone’s way, nor do we wish to bring discredit on the ministry God has given us. Indeed we want to prove ourselves genuine ministers of God whatever we have to go through – patient endurance of troubles or even disasters, being flogged or imprisoned; being mobbed, having to work like slaves, having to go without food or sleep. All this we want to meet with sincerity, with insight and patience; by sheer kindness and the Holy Spirit; with genuine love, speaking the plain truth, and living by the power of God. Our sole defence, our only weapon, is a life of integrity, whether we meet honour or dishonour, praise or blame. Called “impostors” we must be true, called “nobodies” we must be in the public eye. Never far from death, yet here we are alive, always “going through it” yet never “going under”. We know sorrow, yet our joy is inextinguishable. We have “nothing to bless ourselves with” yet we bless many others with true riches. We are penniless, and yet in reality we have everything worth having. 2 Corinthians 6:3-10


So no I am so flexible, I am not digging my heels in. Yesterday I had to potentially meet with someone who really does not like me, but, it didn’t happen and I was thankful.

Managing conflict is not easy, the scenario I avoid most is the “divorce” this is not especial to marriage. Coping with difficult people is hard because we are all difficult people. Sometimes though a person cannot be in your life, cannot be part of your life but we can still love them.

I watched a divorce happen recently between two men. One left the room justified that they had done the right thing, the other left the room, wounded, angry and wrong or wronged.

I wonder if loads of people have problem with me, are there swathes of people in dispute with me. Hilariously a woman I used to know popped up this week, a theme of this year, she hated me so much, I tried to change so much of me so she would like me, but she never did. She was a social animal always having meals at her house and going out for meals, meeting for afternoon tea. She was very popular and I thought it would be fun to be in her circle. No matter what I tried I was not good enough. I didn’t understand it and I was hurt.

So bless her, she pops up and lets it be known I have offended her. I am sat in my peaceful place looking out at this floundering seal, in the water she is showing off but there is no substance and so when she lands on the beach she is stranded.

Yes it is upsetting when someone makes a personal attack, that points out something about your personality that cannot be changed or points at your nose and says that it is too big. What can you do?


So this is the plan:




And then a bit of


The situation has been let go of, I can do nothing to change this woman and I know her long enough to know I cannot change our relationship. But I know a man who can!

When she and I join together in worship of the Lord then the relationship between her and me does not matter because the relationship between us and the Lord is paramount.

Once the focus is on Christ,


{everyone needs compassion}

“If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over.Matthew 18:15 NIV


for those upon his soul were broken before by the abounding grace that filled his heart,” John Bunyan

The walk of life with the Lord at our side is really difficult. All around us are people carrying on regardless, with no compunction to change whether they are Christian or not.

We are aiming toward being Christ like and falling short, we are in this race that we will win together. So when a sibling in Christ falters we have to be there to help them see “the error of their ways” But we should also be aware of the plank in our own eyes.

I have messed up, today already a few hours ago I messed up and landed on my knees with a bump. I am struggling with lack of sleep and it would be so easy for me to blame that for my issue. I went to BibleGateway.com and picked up the daily verse and this verse as so often happens is so pertinent to my life.

I haven’t fallen off any of the wagons, I have managed to remain smoke-free under severe pressure. I have been convicted by the Holy Spirit this week many times. That bitter taste in my mouth when I sat and listened to gossip, and didn’t call a halt to it. Gossip is vicious and in this case caused someone’s life path to be altered based on innuendo and no proof.

The leap that was made was not a faith leap, it was a leap of Gestalt theory of epic proportions.

Being open honest and real before the Lord and then with each other so that the Kingdom can be built up. The devil is in the detail. If we fill in the blanks we can fill them with anything.

For example a friend of mine when talking about something difficult stops halfway and says “You know what I mean” and sometimes I think I do and sometimes I have no idea. But not wishing to appear stupid I nod. Later I try and fill the blanks myself and sometimes I come up with relevance and sometimes I don’t.

Living a transparent life before the Lord and each other, We don’t have to hide our sins and pretend they don’t exist.

We are all sinners and not just in that vague abstract sense of being part of a fallen world and because of Adam we are sinners


I mean each and every day, possibly every hour we sin. We lie, we cheat, we look at things we shouldn’t, we watch things we shouldn’t, we judge people, we gossip, we are just not nice.

On Sunday I asked someone to listen to the sermon in the context of a comment they had made. He had been sidelined, benched or put out of a situation and was aggrieved. Two days later they rang me and we cried together as he realised his own sin in the situation that was causing the sidelining. I pray that this situation will soon be resolved.

We all sin, but we have to, especially if we are in positions where people listen to us, we have to be open and honest in that sin to help grow other people up and if it means that person then takes our place we should rejoice.

Rejoice in the Lord always and again we say rejoice.

Dear Lord

Thank you for this week of learning for my friend and I. My sins are only a heart beat away, Lord help me find compassion to meet people in their point of pain, just like you did. Lord help me find the right words in times like this to builf the person up so they may become members of your family. Lord I love you and everything, transparently everything I do, think and say is only for your glory


Fishy Flushy Fleshy

I found this piece hiding, I think it is from April, a month after leaving the nicotine trail, so glad that although there is a definite correlation with the sweats I haven’t started again so that’s 8 months and counting

After spending the night in one, long continuous hot flush again. I mean it is not like this night is in someway different to the last five. No each night has done exactly the same thing. At four this morning I was waiting for sleep, seriously waiting for sleep to come. Up to that point I put the worlds to rights, hoped for my family and church family and decided on the plot for three short stories.

My problem is I love to sleep, I need to sleep, if I don’t sleep and run on empty for too long I start to get pre syncope symptoms.

I need to sleep.

My hot flushes have been intense since March 23rd, that is more than a month, I thought it was a cyclical thing, I even didn’t have chocolate on Easter Sunday but that might have been memories of last year [not pretty]

This week I made a correlation between the rash over half my body and the hot flushes and the correlation went further and now I don’t know what to do.

I sit here in a puddle of sweat, beads of which are travelling down my face and back. I mean worst thing ever, relatively, feeling drips of water go down your chin.

[Hot flashes] are the prime cause of sleep disruption in women over age fifty, Suzanne Woodward of Wayne State University School of Medicine reports. Her studies show that hot flashes in sleep occur about once an hour. Most prompt an arousal of three minutes or longer. Independently of their hot flashes, women who have them still awaken briefly every eight minutes on average. The sleep process dramatically blunts memory for awakenings, Woodward said, and in the morning women seldom realize how poorly they slept. Instead, they often focus on the daytime consequences of poor sleep, which include fatigue, lethargy, mood swings, depression, and irritability. Many women and their doctors, Woodward said, dismiss such symptoms as “just menopause.” This is a mistake, she suggested, because treatment can reduce or eliminate hot flashes, aid sleep, relieve other symptoms, and improve a woman’s quality of life. Treatment also helps keep frequent awakenings from becoming a bad habit that continues after hot flashes subside.”
― Michael SmolenskyThe Body Clock Guide to Better Health: How to Use your Body’s Natural Clock to Fight Illness and Achieve Maximum Health


  • Stress
  • Caffeine
  • Alcohol
  • Spicy foods
  • Tight clothing
  • Heat
  • Cigarette smoke

Other things you can do to keep hot flashes at bay include:

  • Stay cool. Keep your bedroom cool at night. Use fans during the day. Wear light layers of clothes with natural fibers such as cotton.
  • Try deep, slow abdominal breathing (six to eight breaths per minute). Practice deep breathing for 15 minutes in the morning, 15 minutes in the evening and at the onset of hot flashes.
  • Exercise daily. Walking, swimming, dancing, and bicycling are all good choices.
  • Chill pillows; cooler pillows to lay head on at night might be helpful.

This is not of God, no part of this hot flush system is my Lord, it is not part of this new creation. This was written by a man. Take away everything that could be considered nice and then see if they go. So then I would be an uptight hot flushing type of a woman..


And then get thee to a healthstore sister because everyone, and I mean everyone has a cure for cold sweats and hot flushes: I might name the first eleven things that spring to mind, black cohosh, self heal, cabbage leaves.


Oh Lord, I feel like I am suffering the dance of the seven swords but to be honest it is just a couple of symptoms and life will carry on. Thank you for my life, indeed thank you for the flushes they have taught me much already,

Mindful hearts

Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. — Colossians 3:16, ESV

There is something in this verse that encourages me beyond words to use words to share the story. When Christ is central to whatever we do, in my case writing, we don’t go off on the tangents our minds wish us to because our heart is connected too.



Without giving to much stress on the linkages,

CS Lewis wrote

“Some people seem to think that I began by asking myself how I could say something about Christianity to children; then fixed on the fairy tale as an instrument; then collected the information about child psychology and decided what age group I’d write for; then drew up a list of basic Christian truths and hammered out ‘allegories’ to embody them. This is all pure moonshine. I couldn’t write in that way at all.”

When Christ is in the mix, it adds layers and layers that some see, others are visually impaired to and many are blind to.

days of study


I never seem to get to the end of my study in a day set aside for that purpose. I do not particularly like deadlines and yet I find myself tarrying so the deadline creeps ever closer. At eight this evening I must deliver a bible study that is not finished at this moment, nor is it likely to be finished anytime soon.

I cannot blame it on distractions, I set aside time to reply to emails this morning and in the middle of writing one, wrote a poem. Actually in the body of the email, there is a poem. So my tally is two poems and one short story in two days.

Just imagine the output, if I did that every day. In one year that would be three hundred and sixty five poems and one hundred and eighty two short stories. Happy days as The Bear would say.

Truth is, I know why I can’t finish anything that needs to be done today. I have known all month, the root of this inability. Oozing up from me is elements of this root, that is shrouded in what counsellors call confidentiality. The rest of us call, by chance, confidentiality.

A friend of mine years back started a conversation “between you and me” what followed was the utter dissection of another friend. So intense was the post-mortem and so silent was my rebuke that forevermore those images of a dear friend being cut up for the enjoyment of, let’s face it, a good gossip.

It isn’t the last time I have heard gossip, but that was the first time I never repeated even a gramme of what was said to me. It altered things for. It altered my relationship with the gossiper and the gossipee.

What motivates people to share bad news like that? I do not know.

As Christians, the Bible is extremely clear on gossip. Look it up, remember for yourself, you don’t need me to spoon feed you.

Recently I had to impart some information to a hierarchical figure and as they grew more and more impatient as I sifted through the whole story to filter the bits pertinent to their needing to know, I felt more and more uncomfortable, I wasn’t betraying a trust because the person I think had shared in the hope something would happen, but it now no longer comes naturally to me. If ever in that position again I think, even if scared by said bigwig, I won’t say anything or will ring the other party first.

I will do things differently.

None of this is helping me write the bible study on Jacob and Esau, but it is helping me sort through the detritus to clear the root, so like a dandelion it can be removed. I am sure the other participants have already shared this week. But I am not a sheep of men and women, I am a sheep following Jesus …nd I know, because it says it in the bible, he sat down and wrote in the sand

Live {life}

Life not death, my friend
Life evermore
Life with Jesus
Singing songs to my Lord
Worshiping the almighty
whilst basking in his glow
it’s not a style to buy into
it’s real and reality yea
Life not death, my friend
Life evermore


j’ai pris ma balle et je suis allé à la maison


I don’t believe that I can judge

When you get in a pile of fudge

I don’t believe it’s my role to play

when it snows black flakes on the first of May

I don’t believe you have the right

to interfere like chestnut blight

I do believe that Jesus came

and met with people in their shame

I do believe He’s our only hope

Bringing joy to everyone to leap and lope

I do believe He will come again

In His Kingdom (oh yes) He will reign

We will sit with Him in His Desmesne

this is the original version that got lost and now found:

I don’t believe it is my job to judge

if you decide to land in fudge

I don’t believe it’s a role to play

when it snows black flakes on the first of May

I don’t believe that you, like me

sit for days under a carob bean tree

I don’t believe you have the right

to interfere like chestnut blight

I do believe that Jesus came

and met with people with massive shame

I do believe he’s our only hope

bringing joy to everyone to leap and lope

I do believe he’s coming again

In His Kingdom He Will Reign

We will live in His Demesne