Acts 20:24


But my life is worth nothing to me unless I use it for finishing the work assigned me by the Lord Jesus—the work of telling others the Good News about the wonderful grace of God.

What do you do when you have messed up, when you have made mistakes, when you have veered off the course mapped out for you?

When dualism comes into the mind and stays there.

I lived for many, many years dual lives. Inside, in the core of me was a totally different person to the one presented to the world. To get that person out took some amazing healing at the hands of the Lord.

I changed, the world can see that, even I in moments of candour can see I am different, as a child of God I am not the same as I was.

Although I changed, the world did not, I still had the same relatives, the same relationships, the same husband and the same children. They did not change. 

Anyone who is into managing change in organisations will tell you change for changes sake will not be the most aggressively fought. Change that completely transforms is different. That change is rallied against, strikes are held, arguments pursued, the change is undermined at every turn and yet the undermining is part of the group dynamics of the organisation. It is an allowed concession.

That is where I feel I am: in an allowed concession, in a lay -by on the road. Ahead is a junction, it is not behind, I have not already turned, I have been given the option of sitting for a while to contemplate the next move.

I truly believe that I want and need to stay on the road mapped out for me, but the new rules make it harder. There is more onus on me doing the right thing. It is like I have been on the baby slopes up to now, there has been ropes either side so I couldn’t fall off or veer off course. 

Now the ropes are gone, it is truly me that has to choose, to choose life {yes} over death {no} 

So I sit/stand/squat/go down on my knees/ jump/skip/be still/ in this lay-by, looking ahed at the junction, praying for strength, praying for the Lord to be strong in me so I can remain on the only road I want or need to be on.

Across from the lay-by is the havoc I have already wreaked, without trying, without thinking, devastation has already appeared. If I choose the wrong path this hurricane of vandalism will increase to dramatic and traumatic proportions not just in me but in the people around me. I do not want to be this person. I have, if I think back over the years, I have met this person in many places, in many times. Some times I would’ve been jealous, would’ve aped her personality, but mostly I would’ve felt sorry for her, empathy and sympathy at her empty, shallow, lonely life. I seriously with all my heart and all my soul and all my mind do not want to be that person and I thank God for the insight he gave me recently – how easy it is to be that person but how vehemently I am opposed to being that person.

The junction is ahead, I must return to my journey soon, I choose life in you, Lord.

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