goodbye friend

Dear Friend,

We have had some times together, haven’t we? Got in some scrapes, you were my rebel friend, for many years you defined who I was. We lost contact for, how long was it? Oh yes, five years. Stuff happened in those years that you don’t know about. Stuff that you wouldn’t ever be involved in.

Daft as it sounds those five years were special, I hold them in a place of wry smugness, the things I did, that normally I wouldn’t. You see, you were my normal, thirty one years of normal, then five years of un-normal, un-rest, unconventional in your terms. I let you back into my life at the weirdest of times.

You were just there hovering in the background of a bar in Kamari. Wafting around when my usual drug of choice was not working, straight vodka on ice. I hadn’t had vodka touch my lips in fifteen years. I had stayed tight lipped as Smirnoff Ice and it’s ilk were marketed. I so wanted to try them but refused, and yet, in that bar in Kamari, it was my first choice.

Never having had a yen for anything mindbending in an illegal sense, although the aroma of spliffs were also in the mix in Santorini. I made a decision, one that I have regretted ever since. If only I had a human to talk to, one that understood confidentiality, one that would never bring it up again.

I had prayed, I had been praying since Wednesday, but my prayers like my mind were skewed. Skewed by a sense of misplaced and appropriately placed responsibility. Even writing about it now I have all the same symptoms that I remember, all the same symptoms I have always remembered from times before I was a cognizant being.

So I invited you back into my life, how easy it was, old friend. We slipped back into our old habits, we spent more and more time together, but you had to go. I have spent a few months without you over the last five years and spent many months thinking about leaving you again. Now is the time, I have to say goodbye to you. I will miss you, but unfortunately I cannot have you in my life.

You are an unhealthy friend, I can’t walk with you, I can’t run with you, I can’t swim with you. You have been there around my life forever. I was introduced when I was eleven. For thirty years I could not imagine life without you but having that five years, I know I can have a life, a much better, healthier life on my own.

You are not the only change in my life that I will be making but you are the first and so now, tonight I will say goodbye, farewell, not adieu, you are leaving my life and I am joyful about it, though I acknowledge I will miss you,

With love for the good times we had,

Suzie

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