decisions, decisions

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 

1 Peter 5:6-7(NIV)

Erosion

I was drawn to this today via a tangential route involving lots of mansize tissues, runny noses, sneezes, spellforcing, writing and a “Calorgas” salesperson. For most of the day I had two running commentaries in my brain:

1. Wouldn’t it be lovely to have running hot water on demand in the taps all year round, radiators that don’t leak and controllable heat

2. When did marketing in earnest begin? Around Maslow’s time? When did things stop being products to be sold and become brands that fulfill needs?

With hindsight I can see the parallels but during the day, one was homework background and the other aspirational living. The two lines of thought were running together but not touching. Only as the evening came and decisions needed to be made did it occur to me that I had been marketed to, not sold to.

My needs, that of hot water, were being toyed with adding in sound rads and thermostatic heat. Leaking radiators are part of my routine: open the window, empty the container, place container back under the rad. Heat control: it is cold, light range, it is too hot, open the window, add in a sprinkling of menopausal female and permanently cold skiny teen for good measure. These have been do-able since the central heating broke over a year ago. Sure, I can boil a kettle if I need hot water.

None of this is an anxiety, it causes inconvenience but anxiety, never. What then am I anxious about? That would be the reason I have a cold today, a decision needs to be made and it is dividing my brain, my heart and obviously now my body. 

 discover what you love and then find a way to offer it to others in the form of service – oprah winfrey

I love what I do, it is a service for others, but what is the motivation behind the service. Am I glorifying ‘me’ or God? That is the conundrum. I have been blessed with this cold so I can have more time, I can put off dealing with it. There is something to be said for not knowing, as a person progresses becoming technically proficient, when it less of a struggle, less tension, should you stop? I embarked on a journey to gain confidence and I gained it but now having that confidence a whole load of other issues appears. What appeals to me now is sitting in a corner saying and doing nothing, preferably not thinking either but that has never happened. 

Reading the same bible verse in The Message gives me more to think about:

So be content with who you are, and don’t put on airs. God’s strong hand is on you; he’ll promote you at the right time. Live carefree before God; he is most careful with you. ! peter 5:6-7

Have I put on airs? Am I proud? Or am I doing His will? I wrote a pro con list and as with Rory Gilmore am supposed to choose the longer list. How much weight does love have? How many weeks can a cold last? These questions remain so far unanswered. More prayer!

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